Understanding Marriage -- Part One Back To Family Sermons

Understanding Marriage - Part One

Let us discuss of the factors that would enable us to understand the facets of marriage,
and the adjustments that are necessary for marriage.
This will take a truthful self-examination for husbands and wives on a conscious level
and putting some of these factors into the marriage or avoiding them.
It will take husbands and wives who are motivated and concerned to make the preparation
that is necessary to have a good marriage.

Every marriage is unique because unique persons are involved.
Two unique personalities are involved in a marriage.
Most of their characteristics are common to all human beings, however, they also have
individual differences due to their gender, inheritance, ideas, feelings, and attitudes
acquired as a consequence of their experiences in a particular family and social group.
The kind of marriage they have and its quality will depend to some extent upon the people they are.
It is important that each spouse understands his/her motivations for his/her behavior.
Self-understanding and self-acceptance are basic requirements for all good
interpersonal relationships.

Adaptability is necessary in all relationships, and especially after marriage when differences
often become important, and it is no longer possible for each spouse to go their
separate ways and avoid them.
Some of the adaptations and adjustments that are nearly universal and not unique are:

The relevant question to ask is this: "What is our approach and response
to the above adjustment areas needed in marriage?"

The purpose in this message is to bring to the conscious level those things that condition
and direct behavioral responses, that is, the way we behave in our marriage.
This will result in a better understanding of the truth -- that what goes into a marriage
determines what comes out of it.
The most important things going into marriage -- our attitudes, preferences, aversions,
habit patterns, and emotional response patterns which give to or deny to the couple
the aptitude of compatibility and adaptability.
Happy marriages are built, and are always in the process of becoming because marriage is
a dynamic, continuing relationship.

Unconscious motivation is the major concern of this discussion as we attempt to create
self-understanding and self-awareness.
Too often we are not aware of our true motivation, and we are likely to make up reasons for our actions.
Conditioning accounts for most of our fears, tastes, and attitudes.
We have been programmed.

Most of the responses we make are built-up.
All behavior has its antecedents in, or is the result of many contributing factors.
The individual is the product of his/her experiences, and whether these be large or small,
none is ever lost.
When an individual is confronted with a new situation, he reacts according to
his previous conditioning and his previous experiences.
With the understanding that what we have stated is abbreviated and oversimplified,
we are challenged to recognize a very significant fact which affects marriage couples directly.

Two people are married.
They come to each other with the same drives or needs, but with different motivations,
energies, expectations, conditioning, and experiences.
Therefore, every adjustment in marriage requires an understanding of self,
and an understanding of the other, and a mutual understanding and agreement for the present.
It becomes obvious at this point that conflict in marriage will be normal.

William G. Sumner termed the association of the sexes in marriage as being
"antagonistic cooperation."

Conflict in marriage can be removed or reduced by the other person changing,
by changing one's self, or by some form of compromise.
It is not the conflict or the disagreement in marriage that poses the major problem.
Rather, it is the manner in which it is expressed and worked out that causes the
greatest difficulty, and this is where self understanding becomes a crucial need.

So, let's look at our self -- so that we may develop the insight needed to be a better
person in marriage.
The concepts and illustrations that follow have the purpose of reinforcing what has
already been said and are intended to orient us in directing our thoughts to common
(although not always recognized as such) interrelational problems made complex
because of our past conditioning and experiences.

One of the most sacred institutions we have ever invented in our society is called by
some psychologists the "Dear old mom/mother."
Specifically, it is an institution which also includes other close relationships, such as father,
brother, sister, uncles, aunts, and other people we grew up with and who were a part
of our background and our early experiences.

Many have felt that this "myth of motherhood" does more damage to the human
personality than perhaps any other thing could possibly do.
Everyone loves, or is supposed to love, "dear old mom."
She is always supposed to be patient, gentle, loving, kind, long-suffering, pleasant and agreeable.
At least this is the way she is painted in America mythology and one can recall many
other beautiful songs and poems about mother.
With this kind of almost deification of mom, can we really feel that this woman was,
and is a human being.
Probably not.

Often, the consequence is that we feel a tremendous amount of guilt because of the big myth
of the "perfect" mother or father.
This becomes especially true, when from our own experience we discovered that he or she
was a real "beast" in many ways.
We must face this myth realistically -- if we can.

It would be fruitful for each of us to stop for a moment and answer truthfully these questions:
(If you are already mothers or fathers, the questions become even more meaningful.) The answers to questions are almost always -- "no!"
In other words, you will really be saying, "I'm just human."
And that reference becomes significant.
Your father and mother were also human.
So, what is wrong about our facing our real feelings about them?
Moreover, how about facing them with a little humor and a little understanding.

Maybe mom did nag too much, and dad was a bit of a grouch at times,
but maybe, there was a reason for it.
There may have been good reasons which we never really looked for or understood.
And maybe they never understood themselves completely.
Maybe they did the very best they could with what they had to work with.

And maybe it's "me" who is responsible for "me,"
and if so, we need to laugh at ourselves when we are acting in a crazy fashion
because we have been conditioned or trained to act that way.
In other words, why can't we take charge of this marriage?
Most people continue to act entirely as they were conditioned to act or behave as they were raised.
All of this without an understanding why they act as they do.

We need to recognize that we have lived in our homes for a long period of time and in those homes
we learned how to think, how to act, and more importantly, how to feel.
Specifically, we formed and learned habits that we carry over into our adult experiences.

The Sculptor

"I took a piece of plastic clay
And idly fashioned it one day.
And as my fingers pressed it, still
It moved and yielded to my will.
I came again when days were passed,
That bit of clay was hard at last,
The form I gave it, still it bore,
And I could change that form no more.
Then I took a piece of living clay
And gently formed it, day by day.
And molded with my power and art,
A young child's soft and yielding heart.
I came again when year's were gone,
It was a man I looked upon.
He still that early impress bore,
And I could change it nevermore."
-- Source Unknown

Mom and dad, you have a lasting impression.
Use your influence wisely.

End of part one.

Prepared By Dr. Harold L. White